Category: Random

So it’s been a month since my last couple of posts.  Time flies when you’re having fun.  Also when you’re busy. Or if you’re not.  My impending & unmentionable birthday is evidence that time will keep moving in one direction no matter what we do, but still, it does feel like it is moving pretty fast.  Anyhoo, I’m waffling already.  After that last post, I received some lovely messages from people who appreciated what I’d said partly because they’d had similar feelings themselves, or had been through their own relationship woes, but didn’t want to have to write about it themselves, which is fair enough.  If me blurting out my innermost horrors can help someone else, then it it all worth it.  I have to say though, I did read back what I’d written (I don’t usually, which is why I probably repeat myself, ad nauseam.  Apologies for that…), and I was quite tempted to delete it because it just feels pretty cringe-worthy.  However, I went with the view that I felt I needed to get it out there at the time, so I ought to leave it.  Also it just made me realise that if I was looking at it and cringing, then it meant that I really didn’t feel that way about myself anymore, which was good.

Fast forward a month, and I can honestly say I do feel sooooo much better.  It isn’t that I felt miserable before then, rather that getting to a point where I feel I can leave old feelings behind is really great.  Hence this post about confidence.  Confidence is such a strange thing really, especially when it comes to perception.  I quite often have people tell me they think I’m really confident when actually that hasn’t been the case at ALL.  While I’ve been pretty sure, in the past, of my abilities in some areas, I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever felt particularly confident in my life.  I know through experience and feedback you can grow in confidence in different aspects of your life, but to me it has always seemed as though it is something you just need to feel, and if you don’t get that feeling in your bones, then you’ll never consider yourself to be confident.  Of course I find it really easy to see the good in others, and to see reasons why people should have confidence in themselves, even if they don’t feel it, but I’ve struggled to see the same in myself.  I don’t know if that’s because I always looked for evidence of competency, and if that evidence wasn’t there (i.e. if I’d not done as well in something as I thought I ought to), then I couldn’t be confident.  I’m such a nightmare when it comes to failure, as I bloody HATE being shit at stuff, which is ironic really because I’m not exactly in line for any prizes when it comes to life in general.  So as a result my thinking was that if I aim for a certain level of competency and don’t reach it, then essentially that’s because I’m a bit shit, so bang goes the confidence.  I also used to falsely associate confidence and arrogance, and since I CANNOT STAND arrogance, I wasn’t so fussed about feeling I wasn’t a confident person, because ergo, that meant I couldn’t, therefore, be arrogant.  Probably just as well I’m not studying philosophy; I’m not sure my reasoning would stand up to much debate.

Anyway, that’s just who I am, or should I say was.  I did wonder after writing those last two posts whether a few weeks would pass and I’d feel like actually nothing has changed, and I’d still have a pretty negative view of myself.  As though all these things I said about letting feelings go was just bollocks and I was back to where I started.  Happily though, I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever felt better.  Yeah so I’m still a bit (a lot) of a porker and not in the peak of health, but jeez I really feel like a mahoosive weight is off my shoulders.  There is still a lot a want to change about my life (see earlier porker-slash-fitness comment), but despite that I am really happy in myself.  I actually feel confident, it’s amazing!  I’ve come to realise that feeling confident isn’t just about thinking you’re brilliant at everything, it’s about knowing what you’re good at (and actually being able to acknowledge that you’re good at something), knowing what you don’t know, and not being afraid to get help when you need it.  I know I’m better at some things in life than others, and that’s okay.  I know there are people out there a million times more clever, but that’s fine.  In fact that is brilliant because it means there are a wealth of people out there to call upon, and jeez if someone can do a job better than me then who am I to stand in their way.  I always used to feel like I needed to be better than other people, in that if I could be better than others, then it meant I was worthy therefore I could have confidence in myself.  What a load of bollocks!!!!  Can’t believe it has taken me so long to see that.  I can’t force confidence into my life by excelling at stuff, especially when I don’t always excel.  It was no wonder I never felt confident – I’m never going to be better at everything than anyone else, so I was fighting a losing battle. This fed into my relationships too; if someone likes me then that must mean i’m nice/good/worthy, blah blah blah, therefore I should be happy in myself.  Cue disaster when things don’t work out and you’re left feeling like you’re a waste of space.

The upshot of all of this is that now I genuinely feel like I am who I am, the good and the bad, and people need to accept me for who I am.  I can’t pretend to be someone else, and don’t want to be anyone else.  I am much more comfortable in my own skin, for the first time in my life really, and it feels brilliant.  I’m in a much better place to tackle the unintended consequences of a lifelong lack of confidence (that’s that porker bit again).  Also when it comes to guys, I’ve no idea what’s going to happen, but I absolutely know that I’m not going to look for a guy to make me feel good about myself anymore, I don’t need to, also that approach sucks and really doesn’t work, for anyone.  Obviously there’s nothing nicer than someone thinking you’re ace, but you need to feel ace about yourself first.  I want to be with a guy who is happy in himself and doesn’t feel like I’m trying to make him into what he thinks I want, just as I wouldn’t want him to try to make me into who he thinks he wants.  It should be about two people who like what they see in each other, and want to be together for that reason, to support each other through life’s ups and downs, and not about two people trying to change or fix each other.  Obviously there’s more to a relationship than that, but you get my drift (hopefully).

One of the other consequences of feeling much happier in myself is I now have an overwhelming urge to rid my life of all the crap I’ve been carrying about for years.  I’m a total hoarder, and at risk from being discovered rotting in my own juices after falling victim to a toppling book shelf.  The only thing I’m missing is the cat to eat my remains.  I’ve realised that all this ‘stuff’, some meaningful, most just junk is really weighing me down.  I’ve ended up collecting all these things that don’t actually mean much in the scheme of things, but have become replacements for experiences and memories.  I started thinking recently about what I would try to save from the flat if I woke up and the place was on fire.  The only things I give a shit about are some photos and a couple of keepsakes of my Mums, the rest doesn’t matter.  Granted, it would be devastating to lose everything you own, but bar a couple of items I could easily grab, the rest is replaceable.  So spurred on by a pal who loves a good list and is pretty organised, I wrote myself a mahoosive list of everything I wanted to sort, and I’ve started working through it.  I had over 100 things on there, and after a trip to the recycling centre and a couple of hours effort I’m down to 83!  I’ve decided to be brutal.  I’ve wanted to do this for an age, to be fair, but what stopped me was the thought that I’ve spent money on all this stuff, so I ought to sell it and try to recoup some of the cash, but that in itself and spurred me into utter inaction, since the faff involved in selling it kept putting me off.  There are a couple of things I will try to hoof, but in the main I’ve come to the conclusion that the money is long spent, and I just need this crap out of my life.  Then I can actually get on with living and getting out and doing what is important: spending time with friends and family, seeing places, doing new things, getting fit and healthy (and closer to that picture at the top!), making lots of new memories and just generally enjoying life.

So that said, I’ve waffled on for far too long (again), and more importantly, I have some list-ticking to do….

Have a good evening folks 🙂

Two posts in one week.  What is the world coming to?  Fear not, this won’t be a regular occurrence, after this I may actually have run out of anything to say.  At all.  (Don’t all cheer at once).

So why another one so soon? Well, one of the most interesting things about the aftermath of that post on Identity was the response and comments I got from people – thanks to you all for getting in touch in different ways.  One friend, however, very cunningly (and quickly) spotted that as much as I was saying a lot (I DO waffle on…), there also seemed to be a lot I wasn’t saying.  Damn you for being so right!!!  You know you are 😉  This person, who shall remain nameless only because I think maybe they would want to be (?), in a matter of an hour or so got me thinking about all the things I wasn’t saying that were still important, and that acknowledging them was the only way to be able to deal with them and move past them.  They also encouraged me to do stuff like write down 10 things I like about myself – I must be an arrogant twat because I came up with 30 that night, hahahaha!!!  Fear not, I’m not sharing them, otherwise I’d need to move to America and start a really nauseating chat show about ‘Inner Love’ or something, and I’m still far too Scottish for any of that airy-fairy bollocks!!  Anyhoo, it did make me realise that there’s a lot about my life I’m pretty happy with, and that actually I’m further along the road to being truly happy with myself than I thought.

However, when it comes to relationships, I guess this is where I get a bit unstuck, and struggle to be truly honest with myself, and anyone else.  This whole blog thing, the idea of telling the world what you’re thinking is, well, a bit odd.  I know, I’m here writing all this, but I sometimes wonder if it is the right thing to do.  It is MASSIVELY self-indulgent, which is not a feeling I’m all that comfortable with.  Though on the other hand, in today’s modern world where you see people on-screen more than in real life, where friends are spread far and wide and you can’t always just nip round to their place for a chat, like you could after school, writing this stuff here feels like a viable option.  Also, it means that people are totally free to ignore it!  I have NO illusions that hundreds of people read this, and actually I’m not sure I’d want them to.  I guess knowing that a few close pals will read this means I feel I can be really honest and not afraid to be so.  It’s kind of anonymous.  Sort of.  Well, okay, it isn’t at all, but if I put my hands over my eyes like a big kid, and I can’t see you, you can’t see me/this either.  That’s how it works, right?  So why is this important, why does it matter than I can use this to say all this stuff?  Well, I’m a BIG believer that in order to get through stuff, or move past it, you need to talk about it.  It isn’t necessarily about getting answers all the time, but just about not holding in the things that dig away at you and plague your thoughts and can sometimes take over your life, whether you realise it or not.  I’m not religious, but isn’t that what confessions are all about?  Absolving your sins sort of thing.  Well, while I don’t believe in sins as such, I think it can be cathartic to release these stresses and emotions, and often more so when you’re telling someone you don’t know and who won’t try to fix you or placate you, but just let you talk.  Talking doesn’t always resolve issues, but it can leave a bit of space in your head to start figuring out what to do, or in which direction you should start moving.  So even though I’m ‘talking’ to people I know, who may read this, it feels anonymous enough because there is that time-lapse barrier – I can type stuff and run away and hide at the embarrassment of it all and folk can choose to have a look or not.  In life, I’m pretty unflinchingly honest – not to the extent I’ll tell someone they look shit, I care about people’s feelings – but I can’t pretend to like someone I don’t, put up with bullying or intolerance, or not speak up if I think something is wrong.  So everything I write here is just as honest.  It may seem like it is really easy to type, but actually it feels like suuuuuch an uncomfortable struggle sometimes.  The upshot is though, it feels sooooooo much better once it is out there, and it is a good way to let go of it (I’d struggle to even tell you what I’ve written in past posts – I’ve forgotten already!).

So, that’s where it brings me to relationships.  Like I’ve said before, I feel like I’m eternally single.  I’ve had a few relationships, some very short (a night!  Though to be fair I wouldn’t call that a relationship, ha!), some a bit longer, but generally, I mooch about on my own.  I’ve been out with a few guys that were a bit arsehole-ish in the end, but to be fair I’ve not been treated horrendously.  I’d love to say that my relationships haven’t worked solely because of the blokes, but that wouldn’t be fair.  Ultimately, the guys I’ve gone for have NEVER been the right people, and I’ve known that from day 1, but I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise.  Why? Well, I guess it is safer to be with someone who isn’t quite right because when it doesn’t work you know why – it wasn’t right.  It wasn’t because I’m inherently unloveable.  It’s funny, because happily most of my pals are all married/coupled up, some with kids, some without, and I genuinely love to see them in these relationships.  I feel happy that they’re being looked after and have someone to love that loves them back.  I just never saw myself in that situation.  I can’t imagine being one half of a loving couple.  It just never feels like this is something I could ever have, or be allowed to have.  Part of the problem is I’m fiercely independent, and being on my own has never stopped me doing anything.  I’m capable of doing anything I want, and I don’t need a guy there by my side to enable me to do it (well, sex is better with two people, but you know what I mean…).  I’ve got so used to do everything on my own, it just feels like that’s the only option, and in a way I’ve forgotten to live as if there are other options.  In contrast to that though, I don’t actually want to be on my own.  Of course I want someone to share my life with, but I’ve never actually allowed myself to believe I actually deserved someone.  Often it feels as though I’m living in a little bubble where there’s just me in it, mooching about and meeting up with all my pals in their own bubbles, except they’ve got lots of people inside with them, but I’m always on my own.  I didn’t think I’d get to this point in my life and still be in that bubble, looking out, wondering how the hell I let this happen.  The thing is, which seems sooooooo obvious now, but my whole weight issue is at the crux of it.  When you’re fat it is easy just to use this as a barrier to push other people away.  I don’t let people get close, because then that means they can’t leave.  So as much as I’ve HATED being overweight all these years, I’ve not been able to lose it, because at the heart of the matter is the real kicker: what if I lose all the weight and I still can’t find anyone to love me?  Then i’m really fucked.  I can’t change my personality or who I am (and nor should I, for anyone).  It’s easy to get through life knowing I’m single because I’m too fat rather than I’m single because everyone thinks i’m an annoying twat of epic proportions!  So as much as I could change the former, I’ve been too scared to do so, because I can’t change the latter.

Years ago when I spent a week in a health retreat in Queensland, Australia called Camp Eden, I met a girl who had previously been really big, but when I met her was really fit and healthy and had lost loads of weight.  We talked about our weight issues and I’ve always remembered what she said to me; “I was scared to lose the weight in case everything changed”.  I couldn’t believe it!  I was scared to lose it in case nothing changed.  I couldn’t believe we could be at opposite ends of the spectrum about what this meant to us.  It just shows you!  The irony is, of course, that by not facing what the real issue is, I’ve stayed fat and stayed single; I’ve effectively chosen for everything to stay the same.  Again, it isn’t about how others see me, but how I see myself.

The good news is that much like the sentiment in my last post, I’m ready to leave all that behind me.  Let’s face it, if I lose weight and become healthy, then my life will change for the better, whether i’m single or not, and that is what I want.  I don’t want to die of a heart attack because I’m too scared to change.  You never know what fate holds, but I’d rather give myself the best chance at living a long life.  Maybe it’ll still go tits up with the next lovely guy I’ll meet, but I’m open to trying now, and i’ve got nothing to lose, and potentially a lot to gain.  I feel so much more chilled about my place in life, who I am and I’m pretty happy with myself.  In the last couple of weeks I’ve lost a bit of weight, not by drastically cutting back but because I’m happy, I’m eating food that gives me the energy I need to live the life I want, and i’m not stressing about it anymore.  It feels as though yet more weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

So thank-you for indulging me by reading this.  I still cringe a bit at the self-indulgence of it all, but I needed to write this for myself.  On the plus side, confessing all means I’ve a lot less left to say, so you may be spared more vom-inducing monologues in the future 😉

Happy days.

Love Pea x

In true fashion, I wanted to write something about identity for months, as it is something I’ve been thinking about a lot, but of course couldn’t quite figure out what I wanted to say.  Just as well I don’t write for a living…. Anyway, this weekend has been something of an epiphany for me, so thought I’d commit my pish chat to paper. Or a screen, to be exact.

I guess the concept of identity is something we all struggle with in some way.  We all ask ourselves “who am I?” at some point in our lives, or at least I do.  The thing is, I don’t think we have just one identity as such, rather our lives are made up of lots of different ones.  I read somewhere recently that we shouldn’t act differently depending on who we are with, that we should show the same aspects of ourselves no matter who we’re talking to, and by not doing this it means we’re not being true to ourselves.  I’m not sure I fully agree, since I’m going to talk to my Dad differently than I would a work colleague or friend, for example.  Obviously our underlying personality will remain the same,  but I feel as though having different identities is part-and-parcel of who we are as humans.  So wtf am I talking about? Well, when I was doing a lot of soul-searching last year (read: freaking out over my impending birthday), I thought about all the various identities I guess I’ve ascribed to myself/lived/embodied (?) over the course of my life: child; student; traveller; pilot; runner/triathlete; engineer; daughter/sister/auntie; friend; lover; talker of pish, and I guess loads of other things I can’t think of right now.  The thing is, can we still identify ourselves as a particular person/thing when we don’t do it anymore?  I’ve not flown a plane for a few years now, and when people say “Oh Lee’s a pilot” I feel kind of embarrassed because I feel like a cheat – while I still have my licence, and will definitely use it again some day, I couldn’t just rock up to an airport and fly something because I’m out of practice and would need to get back into it. Though as an aside, I have to say, when I fly anywhere these days I do often daydream about what would happen if the pilots carked it and they asked if anyone in the back could fly.  This daydream always ends with me saving the day of course, but hopefully I’ll never need to test the theory.  Anyway, being a part of that life, living at an airport in Australia for a year and flying every day and hanging out with like-minded people was such a good time of my life, and I sorely miss it.  It was the right choice to take a different path in life a couple of years later, but I miss being that person.  I guess everyone needs to find their ‘tribe’ or a group of people they feel a kinship with. Flying gave me that, but then again so do my running pals and triathlon pals (some of whom know each other, some of whom don’t).  So do all my other friends that I know for varying reasons.  These different aspects of my life all add up to one great whole, so I’m really lucky to have so many ace folk in my life, even if they’re not all in it at once.  For me, this idea of identity is so important because essentially I’m saying to people ‘look at me, this is who I am’.

So I guess the problem is not what I’ve been describing above – that’s all good, positive stuff – but the negative aspects of identity.  There is one overarching identity I feel I’ve had my whole life (well, since my teens I guess), that overshadows everything else on that list that I’ve not mentioned yet,  but is the real crux of the matter and affects every aspect of my life: being fat.  I think I was a fairly skinny kid, but as I grew up I was always a little bit bigger than everyone else.  Of course kids are total bastards when it comes to things like that, so school was full of lots of fat & ugly comments that, funnily enough, didn’t particularly upset me at the time (I was sound enough even then to know that folk being nasty to you are essentially arseholes and need to be ignored), but I guess those comments grind away at you and the insults start to stick a bit.  I’ve always been a bit shit at dealing with failure, and never thinking I’m good enough, so of course this was just something to add to the list to beat myself up about.  Wind forward 30 odd years and I think having such a dismal view of myself is now more due to habit than anything else.  This is just how I feel about myself, and I never really question it.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m very proud of all I’ve achieved in my life, and I’m really happy with what I’m doing now, but the only thing I still hate about myself is my size.

I absolutely understand that many people reading this (if anyone can be arsed to!) will be screaming at the screen for me to “well just fucking sort it out then and stop moaning!!!”.  I COMPLETELY get that, and understand why people would think that.  It isn’t just a thing about food/exercise though.  I know what I need to do in that respect, so I’m not even going to bother talking about that because it is boring and obvious and blah blah blah.  This is about looking in a mirror and being embarrassed about making eye contact with myself (I know, fucking nuts) because I’m ashamed at what is staring back. I don’t even have a full length mirror at home. It’s about walking about at work or in the street or basically anywhere and feeling huge and sheepish about how I look, and feeling like I have to hide away, and can’t stand tall because I feel so overwhelmingly mortified and humiliated.   Believe it or not though, in my head I don’t FEEL like I look.  I think I’m a reverse anorexic – I think of myself as being strong and  confident and proud then I see myself in a shop window or a mirror and the person staring back, horror-stricken, doesn’t match how I feel.  Even writing this now it sounds ridiculous, but it has taken me soooooo long to understand that the only way to let go of all this shite is to actually start to love myself.  I know, cue the vomit buckets.  Believe me, I hate all that cheesy, vom-inducing chat about loving yourself as much as the next person, but annoyingly I fear it is actually true!  DAMMIT!  Also, I’m not talking here about being pretty – I can’t change my face, don’t want to, and other folk can worry about how I look.  While it sometimes feels as though I’m eternally single, I’ve had my fair share of blokes over the years, and they didn’t give a shit about how I looked, so it isn’t about me hating myself because I’m worried what other people think.  If people can’t see past the exterior and see how awesome I am (hehehe), then that’s their loss.  The problem is I’m so mortified about myself that I’ve stopped letting anyone in.  I’ve kind of shut myself off from that part of life (i.e. relationships etc.) because I find it hard to deal with how I feel about myself, and even more so how to deal with seeing myself through someone else’s eyes.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to receive compliments about how I look (who doesn’t?), but I really, really, REALLY struggle to accept them and think folk must just be trying to be nice, that they don’t mean it.  Because the crux of the matter is I wouldn’t say such nice things about my appearance, so why would anyone else?  To anyone reading this, I am NOT fishing for compliments, so don’t try to give me any or I’ll get annoyed.  Again this isn’t about how others see me, it’s about how I see myself.

 

Sooooooo, I’m actually about to get to the whole point of this waffling monologue!  Hurrah!!  If you’ve not died of boredom by now, congratulations.  So, despite all of that stuff above, I’ve recognised lately that I really need to adjust how I feel about myself, but no matter how hard I thought about it I couldn’t get to a place where it just clicked, where I’d finally say ‘bugger this, i’m actually going to start being happy with myself’.  Miraculously though, this last weekend has just been the tonic I needed.  Cue a weekend in Blackpool spent cycling indoors with other nutters for three days!  As epiphanies go it’s an odd one, but I’ll take it!  When I lived in Edinburgh, I went to the wonderful world of LifesCycle, run by Jeannie and Andy, and I fell in love with spinning.  This isn’t just like the normal gym spin classes which I find pretty generic and dull, rather LifesCycle is like a little family that you become a part of, where you get a great workout that blows away the cobwebs, makes you smile, laugh and generally just feel sooo happy.  It is a place where I made good friends too.  I’ve been away with the LifesCycle gang to Italy a couple of times on spin weekends, and just loved them.  So I knew I’d have a blast in Blackpool, but honest to god it feels like it was life changing!  (Time to rinse out the vomit bucket and get ready to reload).

Despite the fact I have used about a gazillion words to get this far into this post, I can honestly say I don’t think I can fully put into words how I’ve felt this weekend.  I’ve done virtually no exercise for months, but I managed to crank out 7.5 hours worth of spinning in three days.  I had no idea I had that in me. I felt mostly strong, occasionally tired and unable to go on, but I managed to power through and I can honestly say I cannot remember a time in my life I’ve felt this good.  I’m not even aching?!  I think the crux of it is that no matter who you are, what shape/size you are or how fit you are you can get something out of a spin class.  You don’t need to worry about fannying around with road bikes and traffic and wind and rain.  It’s warm and comfy (ish), faff-less and fun.  When I do these classes I feel as strong and powerful and alive as I’ve ever felt.  I’ve got great thighs for spinning, not so much for long slow running, so I guess I’m better suited to it!!  I used to love road biking but tbh it kind of scares me now.  The spinning was like a catharsis, it felt so visceral and all-consuming.   I’m such a visual person, I imagined I had pistons in my legs, fuelled by a fire in my belly that I stoked with electrolytes and maintained with the oxygen I was breathing in.  It felt as though every cell in my body had come alive, as though I was burning all the shit and negativity away and was awash with positivity.  I love the dark, and I always feel really comforted by darkness, so the atmosphere in the place was perfect – dark but with amazing visuals projected on to a screen, banging, bassy tunes and this energy that was palpable.  I love to just close my eyes and internalise how I feel and just go for it.  It got so emotional sometimes too.  Anyone that knows me knows I’m just a big girl and a total sap, but even I was shocked at how much it all just meant to me.  Honest to god it feels like all these feelings of hating myself and all that pointless rubbish have just seeped out of me (I did sweat a lot, to be fair).  I’m actually laughing as I write all this because it sounds so bonkers, but I just don’t know how else to put it.  I think I just needed this weekend to show me that I can be whoever I want to be, and I don’t need to define myself by my old feelings. I feel like a new person, ready to actually get myself the life I want.  I want to be healthy, and I can only do that if I look after myself, and I can only do that if I can look in the mirror and feel good about myself, fat or not.  So I’m no thinner today, but I feel like a weight is off my shoulders and I can feel as though the spark and zest I had for life is coming back.  I WANT to make changes now, rather than know that I should but then struggle to make them.

Christ, I do go on a bit!  I didn’t mean to go on so much, but I just had to get all this out so I can leave it behind and just get on with stuff.  I’ve always believed that ‘What’s meant for you won’t go by you’, and I think meeting the wonderful Jeannie and Andy and the LifesCycle family must have been fate, otherwise I wouldn’t have been there this weekend.  Everything just comes together at the right time sometimes 🙂

So, watch this space 🙂

Thanks for reading.

Love Happy Pea x

Well, I can hardly believe it, but we’re officially in 2015.  Wow.  Time is flying faster than ever it seems.  I probably shouldn’t admit to not actually knowing whether I wrote a post on Jan. 1st last year, but tbh I didn’t think to look before deciding to write this about 5 minutes ago.  Anyway, what I do remember about 2014 is that I was really determined to change my life for the better, and to help me on my way to success I set myself a lot of different challenges, including running marathons, deadlifting big weights and losing my own dead weight while I was at it.  So, get yourself a brew, settle down and get ready to read the list of achievements.  Oh and by brew I think an espresso should do it (not a double. This won’t take long):

– eh, well…..let me think…..I completed the 1,000,000 step challenge in the summer.

Honestly I think that’s about it.  Oh, and I did managed a month without TV and a month of no iPad/phone/computer after 9pm.  Other than that though, I pretty much did squat (thought not literally, otherwise I might be feeling a lot fitter right now). Mortifyingly, I need to also admit that despite losing some weight last year, in the last six months I have managed to scale the lows of weight management by getting back to my heaviest weight ever.  There is NO excuse.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed last year, and it ended on a real high with a birthday trip to France, then another trip to Delhi and Qatar . So a lot of plus points were achieved (esp. on the bathroom scales). In terms of achieving my goals though, it was pish.

Now of course it comes to the time where I make my resolutions for 2015. So, here we go (time to finish the espresso):

– Get healthy.

That’s it.  Nothing more, nothing less.  This is still a BIG ask for me, considering where I finished in 2014, but it is the right resolution (or goal, as I prefer to think of it). I was signed up for the Outlaw Half Ironman in May, but i’ve withdrawn my place.  I really would love to see myself crossing that finish line, but it isn’t my priority.  All these races I sign up for never really are my priority, but I sign up thinking they’ll get me to where I want to be, but time after time they never do.  The only thing in my life I have NEVER achieved is to get to a healthy weight, so THAT is going to be my only focus.

Of course getting to that weight is part of a bigger picture, which is to be healthy. This means sleeping more, exercising, reducing stress, eating real foods, and generally just looking after myself better. I know LOADS of people can do that PLUS train for Ironman, work full time, have a life etc., but time has shown me I can’t. I always thought aiming further and further would get me to where I wanted along the way, but I always ended up travelling down a path that takes me away from my real desire, not towards it. Deciding to pull out of the Outlaw made me feel great.  I’m actually REALLY looking forward to this year. I can’t wait to get back in the gym and hit the weights, which is the one thing i’ve loved doing, but always felt I had to sacrifice to get running/triathlon training in. Now I can just get on with it.  I went to the gym yesterday, and realised i’m as unfit as a sloth with two broken legs, but i’ll get back to where I was (and beyond) in time. I’m also looking forward to going tomorrow.  I can’t tell you how much i’m looking forward to the year ahead of me because I don’t have a race to worry about training for. Of course sorting out my health and fitness won’t be a breeze, but it is worth my undivided attention. Well, after i’ve spent today relaxing on the sofa watching films 😊

Here’s to a great 2015, and a chance to be fit and fabulous before I turn 40.

Happy days.

As ever, I’ve been meaning to write this post for ages, but I could never quite figure out exactly what I wanted to say.  I’ve been thinking about identity, life, goals, ambitions, hope and fears, but mostly about time.  Essentially, I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.  If I was happily married, now’s about the time I’d be off having an affair with a buff 25 year-old, and thinking of trading in the old Peugeot for something more sporty.  Sadly (or maybe thankfully?), I’ve no husband to cheat on, and I can’t afford a new car.  Anyway, if being obsessed with something to the point you can think of nothing else, waking up in the middle of the night worrying about it, and generally boring anyone that will listen with my fears counts, then yes, I’m having a midlife crisis.  But why?! I hear you cry.  Yep, you guessed it, next year I turn…..oh god, I can barely say it………forty! (Insert ‘anguish-faced’ smiley).  In fact, I haven’t even turned 39 yet, but that hasn’t stopped me turning into a total drama queen.

Everything is about time. From the moment we’re born we’re on a countdown to the end of our lives, we just all carry different clocks.  Time is everywhere: rushing to get to work, watching the clock until we can go home, then worrying about how much we can fit in before bedtime, or, more accurately, realising how much time we’ve wasted of an evening before it is lights out, and off to sleep until tomorrow.  Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…..

So, as I said, OBSESSED!

I’m not entirely sure when it started, but I can’t stop thinking about turning 40, of where I am in my life right now.  I can remember being 29, and thinking that thought I’d soon be 30, that this was okay, and that actually I was quite looking forward to the new decade; I had a feeling I’d be happy in my 30s.  And you know what? I am happy right now. Yet……ten years have passed in the blink of an eye, and what have I got to show for these years?  When I think of what I’ve done in the last 8 years, nothing really sticks out.  It is easy to think of my twenties: travelling and learning to fly; white water rafting, skydiving; great times with friends, old and new, and the promise of things to come.  Somehow though, that change of decade brought with it a loss of excitement, of adventure, of time to enjoy and make the most of.  It was unwittingly replaced with time to bide, time to waste.  Time to put off until later, and the funny thing is I didn’t even realise I’d done it until now.  Don’t get me wrong, as miserable as this post is sounding, I’m actually not miserable at all.  Honestly!  I love my job, I’m happy with my life, but in reality I’m just treading water.  I’ve inadvertently put my life on hold, and I think if I don’t get it moving again soon, I might not be able to.

Why have I done this though?  For ages I’ve told myself it wasn’t a choice.  I’ve made difficult choices in my life that I have absolutely no regrets over – like deciding not to continue pursuing life as a pilot – yet I managed to convince myself that I am where I am now for some other reason, that it wasn’t a choice, that it just ‘happened’.  Of course, that is ridiculous – doing nothing is a choice.  I’ve let a fear of failure creep into my life and take over.  I’ve never been good at dealing with failure, so I think I stopped even trying, because of course if you don’t try, you can’t fail!

Age, therefore, seems more pertinent now that ever before, and I think i’ve been caught between feeling that i’m 10 years younger than I actually am, yet being angry at myself for letting these years pass unmarked, untested.   By this point in life I didn’t expect to still be on my own, paying off debts I shouldn’t have accumulated, and having thoughts about whether I’ll ever be able to buy my own house or flat.  It feels as though everyone else’s life has accelerated off into the distance and i’m still treading water.  I can see everyone else on the shore, making the most of their lives, achieving all the usual social landmarks (house, job (I have that one at least, yay!), marriage, kids….) and i’m trying to pretend i’m content to just bob about in the water, but actually, i’m getting tired, and I know that this isn’t enough anymore.  I should say that it isn’t as if it it those specific things I want, or feel i’m missing out on, but I’ve been so overwhelmed by the fear of failure that I’ve essentially thought “what if I struggle to shore and eventually get there, but it still isn’t enough?”.  The most important thing i’ve come to realise, however, is that aiming for that beach can’t be any worse than the water, so surely it is worth investigating?  Also, no-one is keeping me there.  There is no seaweed wrapped around my leg, preventing me from swimming off to catch up.  It is up to me to swim off in whichever direction I please, towards something more fulfilling.

While this all sounds hopeless and despairing, it really isn’t.  I think I had to get to this place, to dwell on my current life for a while to realise that coasting along isn’t what I want, and staying somewhere safe and quiet and easy holds no more appeal.  I can feel i’m getting ready to let go of what has been, and look into the future and get excited again about what might be.  The fear of failure is losing its grip.  To fail, is to learn; it is not to stop or go backwards, but to move forward and with more purpose, more hope.

I read somewhere recently that people only fear death if they’ve not lived, and my immediate reaction was to think “i’m not scared of dying!”.  I’ve always said that i’ve done so many of the things I wanted to in life, that if it suddenly ended, i’d have no regrets.  That still holds true – I don’t regret anything i’ve done, but then a nagging feeling started to gnaw at me.  I suddenly realised that I was starting to get scared, if not of dying, then of the unmarked passage of time. Of time spent, well, just waiting for more exciting things to happen.  If i’m hit by a bus tomorrow, what are all the things i’ll have regretted NOT having done?  Or more likely, if I continue to live an unhealthy life, what diseases are waiting round the corner to kick me in the ass?  For the past few years, I’ve spent too much time dwelling on the past, and not much time working towards my future.  So my obsessions this year, my desire to set loads of goals and reach them all, but then fail to reach any of them has actually been a good thing.  Why?  Well, it has made me refocus, re-examine my life and decide what I really want.  Luckily for me, i’m already happy – I couldn’t have gotten to this point from a place of despair or depression – but i’m not wholly content, so for my future I just want to be healthy, get back out and explore the world, be adventurous, be at peace with myself and let go of the past so I can move towards the future.

This post might not even make sense to anyone reading it, and honest to god, if anyone is reading this line, then you deserve a medal, because I probably would have given up by now (I nearly did when I proof read it, and I wrote the bloody thing.  Also, my proof reading sucks (get the caveats in while you can, I say).  I just needed to write down these thoughts to get them out of my head, so to speak, so I can stop obsessing and start living.  I’ve no idea what i’ll write next, but it won’t be quite so long and drawn out (hopefully).  Getting all this crap off my chest feels good, like a bit of a weight off my shoulder, so to those who have persevered, thank-you, and well done! 🙂

Weekly loss: 1.4 lb. Total weight loss: 15.4 lb.

Last year for my birthday, my sister, brother-in-law and nieces bought me a really brilliant present – a voucher for a hands-on sailing experience on a 60ft race yacht!  Since my birthday is in November, I knew i’d be using the voucher this summer, so it was always something to look forward too.  Originally I booked to take the trip today, a Bank Holiday in England, but by a happy twist of fate, the company called and asked that since I was taking the trip on my own, could I possibly reschedule the trip to the day before (i.e. yesterday), and because of the inconvenience (not that it was), they would upgrade me to a trip that included a race in the afternoon.  Yes please!!!  So not only would I get a chance to take part in a race with another yacht, but as it turns out, in good Bank Holiday style, the weather is what can only be described as ‘pishing doon’ today, so it was fortuitous that I got to take the trip yesterday instead!!

The trip departed from one of the many boat marinas on the south coast, in a lovely place called Hamble which is about 4 miles from my house!  I set off early doors and arrived in good time, allowing me to have a coffee and meet up with some of the people i’d be taking the trip with.  Since there were two boats going out at the same time, we were split into a group of 10, and a group of 9 (my group), kitted out with waterproof coats and lifejackets and taken down to the boat.  The boat we sailed on was a Clipper 60 Serica race yacht, and one which has taken part in the Clipper round-the-world yacht race in 1988, 2000 and 2002. The boat has not changed much since it took part in the race, so it was great to experience for a day, what 14 crew would have experienced for 11 odd months on the trot!!! You can find out more about the yacht race here: http://www.clipperroundtheworld.com/about

We set off out into the Solent, which separates the mainland from the Isle of Wight.  About 30 miles long and 3-4 miles wide, the Solent is a sailor’s playground, as well as being a busy shipping route for freighters, the military and passenger ships too.  Initially we motored out from our sheltered marina, and headed out towards the Isle of Wight.  The conditions were amazing; one minute the air was still, the next the wind felt as though it was really strong.  We had to head out a bit further than the boat normally would which worked out in our favour later, as it meant we got an extra hour or so on the water, because it took a while to get back!

First things first, we had to get the sails up.  The main sail was already attached to the mast, but needed to be uncovered and hoisted.  Two further sails (the staysail and the yankee, I think!) needed to be passed up from storage inside the boat, attached to the masts and hoisted.  We all got a chance to help, tying knots, attaching the sails and hoisting them up (apologies to all who are in the know for my rookie sailor-speak!).  Once that was done, we all had to help when we needed to change direction, and soon got into the way of tacking or jibing when required (i’m practically a Captain now).  There was a great mixture of sitting back and relaxing, and then a few frenetic minutes of work when it was all hands on deck!  Everyone also had a go at the helm which was great.

Making sure all the weight was on the correct side of the boat (a.k.a. having a rest)

After lunch the skipper decided on where we should race, based on the prevailing winds.  At this point, I can tell you that the race took place around a triangle of three buoys, all of which are specifically set out for racing, and sponsored by various companies.  What I can’t tell you is at which point our boat seemed to be winning, and when it seemed to be losing.  Occasionally when you think you’re ahead, you find out you’re not, and vice versa.  Having watched various boat races in the Olympics, I had no clue then either, so it wasn’t a surprise.  Possibly because I didn’t know where were going half the time, as we had to manoeuvre out of the way of a few Sunday sailors with right-of-way, so it was hard to know where we stood in the competition!! Towards the home straight, however, it became clear we were about to lose, and despite closing the gap, we didn’t quite make it.  It didn’t really matter though, because the enjoyment was just being part of a team, all working together to get the boat to where it needed to be.  I just loved the feeling of whipping through the waves, leaning at various odd angles in order to stay upright, and then having to quickly spring into action when the need arose.  I can see why it is such a popular sport.

Sadly, however, the day had to come to an end at some point, so after the race we sailed back towards the marina, using the engine in the last 30 mins otherwise it would have taken even longer to get back (not that any of us would have minded!).  Oh, and I nearly forgot; I’m pretty sure at some point in the afternoon we saw two Lancaster Bombers fly past, as I know they’ve been doing a tour of Britain this year (one a Canadian bomber, and one belonging to the RAF).  A quick internet check shows that it probably was, as they were scheduled to be in Hampshire yesterday!

So all-in-all it was a really fabulous day.  The weather was just perfect, the company on the boat was lovely, and the two crew members, Piers and Sam made it a really enjoyable day.  Living so close to such a sailing paradise, I definitely feel like I need to take the opportunity to do this again, so watch this space!

As an aside, I said i’d report my weight loss every week, so as it shows above, i’ve lost 1.4 lb.  I’ve been off work on annual leave all week, and indulging a little bit too much, so i’m pleased with the loss!).  Back to work and routine again tomorrow (back to work for a rest I think), so hopefully more progress next week too.

Have a happy Monday folks 🙂

 

Having a quick glance at some of my previous posts, one could be forgiven for thinking I have some kind of sadistic fondness for starting, failing, re-starting and re-failing  (is that even a word?) all weight loss and fitness ventures.  I’m a really good starting, but I’m not so hot on the follow through and actual completion.  Okay, so I did the Outlaw marathon last year as part of a relay team, but having died on my arse in the heat that day, I don’t really view it as a crowning achievement, that’s for sure.  Anyway, as I said, I do like to start things, so here I am, embarking (yet again) on a bid to shift some timber and become the supermodel I’ve always dreamt of being (assuming supermodels can still eat cake).  Or something like that.

In my last post I promised that I would post my weekly weight loss figures, or at least every couple of weeks.  Knowing that I have to ‘fess up on here, as it were, will help keep me focussed.  That’s the plan anyway!  So I had a look through some old posts, and at the time I’d written one of them, I was weighing in at the very hefty weight of 16st 13lbs.  However, at some other point last year (before I wrote that post), I did weigh in at the even heftier 17st 3lbs (the weight of one of The Rocks’ biceps, probably), so i’m taking that as my original start weight (the heaviest i’ve ever been – she’s says, not very proudly), and i’ll post my losses compare to that weight.  Which gets me (eventually) to the point – i’m 14lbs/1 stone lighter now.  I reckon i’ve still got  5 stone to lose.  I’ve got some vague targets, but actually i’m not going to write them all here at the moment.  I’ll see how it goes (i.e. how much I seem to be shifting over the next month or so), and that’ll give me an idea of whether my targets are realistic or not.  I swithered about putting the actual weight down, and then reckoned since I’d mentioned it previously, and also as a way of not hiding (I want to be accountable, remember?!), I thought “what the hell”.

 

However, rambling about my weight wasn’t the only reason for this post.  Despite promising myself I wouldn’t sign up for any more races until i’d lost a fair chunk of weight, I completely ignored myself and decided to sign up for the Outlaw Half Ironman next May.  The course consists of a 1,900m swim, 56 mile bike ride and a 13.1 mile run to finish.  I was really lucky to get in, as it sold out in 2 days.  So what made me change my mind?  A few reasons actually:

• having spent a lot of time recently watching others compete in triathlons, I want to get back out there myself
• I just like having a fitness goal
• I’ve finished a Half IM before (Bala in 2010 (or was it 2009?) – I may have been last, but I finished!), so I know I can do this distance
• training for a half is a lot more manageable than it is for an Ironman, and I can fit it around my life more easily.

I had already planned to do a half distance this year (The Vitruvian), but decided a few months ago that my heart wasn’t in it, and I’d rather support.  Luckily for me, the lovely Happychap (a.k.a. Nicky) has offered to be my mentor for the Outlaw Half, so i’m really pleased about that, as she has a lot of knowledge and experience, and her help will be invaluable.

To that end, i’ve not sorted out all my plans in terms of training for the tri and in the time leading up to it, but I have a lot of thoughts, and once things are firmed up, i’ll do another post about it.  

In the meantime I need to stop waffling because i’m heading to the gym for a little swim 🙂

Toodle-pip.

 

 

Almost exactly three months have passed since my last post.  I’d love to say it is because I’ve been just sooooooooooo busy daaaahlink that I simply haven’t had the time.  While I’ve had a lot on, and been here, there and everywhere (well, okay on two trips), that isn’t really the reason.  Is it because Ryan Gosling has FINALLY come to his senses and spent the last three months BEGGING me to be with him.  Well obviously that’s true, but it hasn’t stopped me from coming on here (I said no btw; I’m just not into this long distance relationship malarkey).  So what’s my issue?  Well, essentially I’m a big, fat, galumphing, lazy CHICKEN.  When things are going well, I’m quite happy to come on here and spout lots of rubbish for my one or two readers to trawl through, but when things don’t quite go to plan I do that whole kid thing where they cover their eyes so that means you can’t see them.  My not writing another blog post is the adult-equivalent, because if I cover my eyes, well, you won’t see that, and i’ll just feel stupid, and, actually I have no clue what I’m talking about……

 

Aaaaaaanyway, despite the fact my last post was really positive and I finally felt like I was heading in the right direction, basically I managed to just fuck it all up again.  I should be blatantly aware of this, but when I get busy, my organisational skills just up and leave.  Food planning goes out the window.  Cooking properly goes out the window, basically everything good that keeps me on track hits the skids.  So fast forward three months and I’m back to square one again.  Sigh.  I know.  You don’t need to say it, I already know I’m a twat of epic proportions.

 

So I sat myself down (for a change) and tried to give myself a very stiff talking to.  I really did.  I thought of all the reasons why I need to get a grip (health being the main reason).  I even cleared out my cupboards of anything ‘bad’, but to be honest since I don’t buy crap foods when I head to the supermarket, there wasn’t really much to clear out.  Try as I might, I just haven’t been able to sort myself out.  So that’s why I’m back on here, whittering away.  The whole reason I started this blog was to make myself accountable.  I know I need to make some serious changes in my life, and I’m reminded every time I look in the mirror.  Over the years though, I’ve become very good at hiding away the issues and making jokes about it, and pretending to the outside world that I’m in much better control of my food issues that I really am.  Of course I’m not sure who I’m kidding because I’m not getting any slimmer, so it doesn’t take a genius to work out where the problems lie.  I can cook pretty well, and can easily make myself nutritious meals with good proteins, veggies and good fats.  That isn’t the issue.  The problem is that I’ll then just nip to the garage and, oh look! 4 Toffee Crisps for £1!!  Then eat them all.  Oh crap though, I forgot I already had a cake at work.  Too late.  Or I’ll decide I can’t actually be arsed to cook and nip to the Co-Op and buy a flatbread to shove in the oven.  Might as well get some chocolate to munch on the way home……  Or the other favourite is being starving when I get in from work and eat some shite that I picked up on the way home, and then not actually have an appetite for dinner, so I’ll just skip that.  Of course all this means I’ve got no energy so can’t be assed to go to the gym, and the hellish cycle just perpetuates.

 

Logically I know this is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS, but I think it has just been a habit for so long, that I don’t even think about it.  I could spend months paying for psychs to work out why, or just realise that actually years of really low self-esteem have more than likely led to a lot of self-sabotage, and I’ve just not broken the bad, ingrained habits.  Sugar is a real issue for me, and I’ve gone on about that before, so I won’t now, but essentially I need to ‘get it tae fuck’, as we say in Scotland, and then start to reintroduce the good habits I had been working on in my last post.  Despite the fact I actually feel totally ashamed at all the secret eating I do (secret in as much as I would never admit just how much crap I eat), and I really hate being overweight, I don’t have the same self-esteem, self-loathing issues I used to when I was younger.  I’m a pretty confident person, and happy with everything else bar my weight.  I know that I’m the only person that can change it, and the best way for me to get back on track is to use this blog as I originally intended – to keep myself accountable.  I know that accountability really helps me, because as soon as I try to hide something, I know it is only because I’m ashamed of it, or know it isn’t right (you know, like the boyfriend you don’t want to introduce to your friends because you know they’ll think he’s a total arsehole, but you’re trying to kid yourself he isn’t?  Yep, been there.  Now I’ve just swapped some numpty for a Toffee Crisp).  I also want to establish good habits again, and I know waffling on about them in blog posts will help me, even if it bores everyone else to death.  Soooooooo, what’s the plan?  Well, i’m going to start tracking my weight loss in here, probably every couple of weeks unless I can think of exciting things to say every week (“PLEASE GOD NO!!!”, I hear you cry, horror-stricken at the thought of regular ramblings.  Sorry though, there is NO escape).

Also I *may* have decided on a race for next year, so I’ll need to ramble on about training (writing about it counts as actually doing it, right?), but more about that in my next post (see?  There is the hook.  You need to tune in again).  I may include a Gosling pic, just to keep you interested, and yes guys, that means you too.  Everyone loves the Gosling.

Until next time (Monday).

Toodle pip.

 

So keen am I to exercise my democratic rights, I just turned up a week early to vote in the local European Parliament & local council elections.  Turns out that today is not in fact the 22nd of May.  Who knew??  Well, clearly everybody else.  I did start to wonder, as I approached the polling station why there were no party banners outside, or bright-eyed councillors standing near the door making one last desperate bid for my vote.  To be honest, despite feeling like a total numpty when the truth dawned on me, I think I was more annoyed that I didn’t get the chance to tell a UKIP member that “I wouldn’t vote for them for a million pounds!!!” or “over my dead body!!!!!”, should they dare wave a flyer in my face and try to tempt me.  Maybe I’ll get that chance next week (fingers crossed).  I really hope I remember next Thursday.  I hope I haven’t peaked too soon.

 

Anyway, what has this got to do with the picture at the top of this post, Fitter Food?  Well, quite a lot actually.  Normally, making such a daft mistake would give me the rage, and I’d be so annoyed at being so stupid that it would have ruined the lovely mile walk in the sunshine to get there.  I wasn’t in a rush anyway, and didn’t have to go out of my way to get there, particularly, but normally such things would really annoy me. Today though, I really wasn’t that bothered, and could easily see the funny side, and just thought instead “oh well, at least I got a lovely walk out of it”.  So in essence, what I’m saying is I’m pretty chilled out about it all.  Stress levels are pretty low, and overall I’m feeling really good.  The reason for this I know is down to lifestyle changes I’ve been making the past couple of months.

 

I’ve never considered myself a total stress-bunny (maybe those who know me would disagree, who knows?), but of late I’ve definitely been feeling a lot less stressed, more alert, happier and just, well, good.  As I’ve mentioned a before in previous posts, this year I’ve been following some nutrition plans with Fitter London, a (funnily enough) London-based duo, Matt Whitmore and Keris Marsden.  They are both personal trainers with nutritional qualifications who provide nutrition and training plans to help get you on track.  Although that is really simplifying it; I’d say they provide a lot more than that.  I’ve tried all sorts of diets and plans in the past, most with some success in the weight-loss department, but never on a long-term basis, otherwise I’ll be like a twig right now, swanning around a sun-kissed beach in a bikini, and in no need of Fitter London.  I initially started off with their book, Fitter Food (hence the logo at the top.  See, I got there eventually!) which was recommended to me, and then in January decided to try our their 28 day detox programme.  I’ll be honest and say I struggled with it – I think it was just too much at once for me, and for some reason, trying to give up the sugar on top of no caffeine and dairy and what not that month was a step too far, hence my seemingly crack-cocaine fuelled post a few months ago about sugar (insert embarrassed smiley).  Anyway, while I didn’t get the results I thought I would have by the end of that month, I did feel like Fitter Food was something worth exploring further.  So I signed up for a 6 week plan that was just for women, and started to notice some big changes.  Now I’m not talking weight-loss here – I’ve lost half a stone this year, which is great but not masses considering it is mid-May (not the 22nd) – rather just in my general health and well-being.  This is what I love about FF.  While you get the recipe book and 4-6 week’s worth of meal plans, depending on what you’ve signed up for, there is loads more too it.  A Facebook group is set up, and only access given to those on the plan.  So you can say what you like on there and no-one else will know.  We get weekly webinars, so like an online seminar where Keris and/or Matt will cover something specific about an aspect of nutrition, training, stuff like hormones, sleep, stress etc.  The group interaction is key too, because everyone has their own targets, whether it be weight loss, training goals, stress reduction etc., but no matter what you’re after, you can get advice, chat about random stuff and just have a laugh.  Most of us have fallen off the wagon at some point (G&T with a box of chocolates chaser anyone?!), but it helps to have folk to give you a kick up the arse and tell you just to forget it and move on.

 

Anyway, the changes I’m talking about are pretty significant for me:

• sleeping about 8 hours a night, and a good sleep at that.  I don’t wake up nearly quite so much which is great
• much less stressed about stuff in general, but also about weight loss.  I’m happy knowing I’m being much healthier, and the weight will take care of itself
• PMT much better (sorry boys!).  Since I started trying to follow ‘Paleo’ lifestyle a couple of years ago, PMT definitely improved, but it has all but disappeared now
• Skin is looking clearer and my teeth are getting whiter!!  The teeth thing was a bit unexpected, but I think drinking/eating a lot of bone broth (essentially homemade stock) is responsible for that
• More alert.  I’ve had a couple of really busy weeks at work, and quite a few problems to resolve, and it has been much easier to deal with, and I know this is down to eating better and looking after myself.
• Learning a LOT more about nutrition/lifestyle and the science behind their influence on the body, much more so that I ever have with any other ‘diet’ plan.  If I was just given meal plans to follow it wouldn’t work for me.
• Learning to understand what my gut is trying to tell me depending on what I’m eating, and just how much that influences everything else in my body.
• Overall I just feel happier.  Not to say before FF I was feeling unhappy, but I think something has just clicked in the past couple of months, and I feel like I’m getting my old spark back.  While I’ve really been enjoying my life since I moved down south, I’ve not been doing much, but lately I’ve been getting out and about and meeting new folk and doing stuff i’ve not done for a while (open water swimming for example), and this is really just down to feeling good, and realising there is more to life that just pottering about in the flat or sticking to the same old routine

 

So none of this is rocket science in a way – eat better = feel better – but as someone who has struggled my whole adult life with being a bit of a porker, I know now that actually I can change that, and more importantly that this isn’t a temporary diet, but just a way to live.  And the important thing is, it isn’t actually that  difficult.  Now I’m not trying to pretend that I never eat shite, and I’m constantly training in the gym as if I’ve just been offered the part of Cat Woman in the impending Batman film (Ben Afflect. As Batman.  Really???? Hmmm……).  After a couple of back-to-back weekends away, coupled with a work trip in between, I was back eating shite and scoffing chocolate like there was no tomorrow; a few too many days of not being organised and being tempted by chips and vino (mmmmm, vino….) can bring me back to my old ways.  While my attitude to food has changed a lot lately, I’m still prey to physiological addictions to sugar/shite (not literally) etc.  However, the difference is that having done that, I started to really notice how lousy it was making me feel, and how it affected everything to my hair, nails, skin, gut, sleep, energy levels etc.  So the choice to get ‘back on the wagon’ was a lot easier to make, and after only a few days I feel soooo much better, and haven’t even had the cravings I used to be crippled by (again, not literally.  My legs are fine).

 

I know a lot of you will be shouting at the computer “Well DUH, just remember, everything in moderation!”, but actually I think that is a load of old bollocks.  My moderation might be two bars of chocolate a day (well, that’s more moderate than 4!!!), but someone else’s might be 1 a week.  I think ‘everything in moderation’ is a throwaway statement made by people who’ve never had to worry about weight and think us fatties just need to put down the cake and ‘move more’.  For some, it might be as simple as that, but what I really want to do is to know what food supports my body, what doesn’t (obviously Maccy D’s and KFC doesn’t, that is obvious, I’m talking about specific foods that I don’t do so well with) and what else is involved in my overall well-being, that isn’t just related to stuffing things in my gob.  Thankfully, I think I’m getting there.

 

Folk reading this might be thinking I’m on commission from FF to say all this, but I’m not, and if anyone thinks that, then, well, I don’t really care to be honest.  In fact they don’t know I’m writing this.  I’m just so happy to have found something that works, that doesn’t feel like a diet (because it isn’t), and just makes me feel better than I have for years.  If this rambling post has piqued your interest, then go look at their website or FB page, but if not, that’s okay.  I’m writing this for me as much as anyone else.

Well I think I’ve waffled on enough for now, and frankly all this talk about scran has made me realise I’m starve-o-rama.  Or peckish at the very least.  Maccy D’s it is….. (kidding).

Toodle-pip peeps. I shall report back on how my FF life is going in due course 🙂