Today marks 50 days without sugar.  Previously I reached 78 days, but if I’m being honest with myself, I didn’t reeeeeeally get that far, as I’d had the odd scone or the odd small sugary thing, like a chocolate at work or something.  This time I’ve actually managed to stay away from it completely.  It is definitely getting easier, but still tries to bite me in my still sizeable arse every so often.  Yesterday, for example, I could have murdered someone for a piece of sponge cake.  Literally all day I just wanted to eat a bit of cake.  I think it’s more about the texture and the thought of just buying a nice treat to enjoy.  In the evening I was even faced with a muffin and some biscuits which I could have helped myself to.  I didn’t though.  I knew i’d regret it, and more than likely I wouldn’t enjoy it.  So another day survived.

Thankfully most days are not like yesterday, and overall I don’t have to fight off any urges.  I’ve lost 12lbs since I quit the stuff on the 1st of July, I’m sleeping much better, my skin is better, I don’t get that bloated/stuffed horrible feeling after eating.  I used to eat crap if I was stressed, bored, emotional about something, the usual sort of thing.  One weird thing I’ve noticed, after a lifetime of stuffing my face full of all things sweet, is that quitting it has made me realise all the different times I want sugar.  The immediate thought of getting something sweet to eat crops a lot, in various situations, like a motor response really.  Then I have to think of something else to replace it with, as I don’t eat that now.  Also in the last couple of weeks i’ve been thinking about a lot of things in the past that i’ve put to bed, and that don’t generally bother me.  Except i’ve been stewing over these things again, albeit without the crutch to lean on of a little sugary treat to make the thoughts go away.  That’s passed now, but again, it’s just another demonstration of the hold it has over me.  I’m not sure it’ll ever go away, hence the need to be totally vigilant.

I know I’m totally addicted to sugar, but I still feel embarrassed to say it.  Firstly because lots of people will immediately shout “it’s not addictive! Don’t be ridiculous.”  Well, to many it isn’t, so count yourself lucky.  I don’t really care whether it can be proved as a scientific fact or not, and in fact if it was proved categorically not to be addictive, it still doesn’t change the fact I can’t deal with it.  Ergo, the other issue is that it’s mortifying to admit that you can’t control something like this.  Nothing like that saying you’re so weak and such a failure that you can’t even moderate what you put in your mouth.  At least that’s how I used to feel.  Ironically, I used to really berate myself for being so weak and unable to control my weight that I’d comfort eat for being a failure.  It’s fucked up, I know.  Thankfully I no longer feel so negatively towards myself, and haven’t for a long time.  It’s just a thing; I have a tendency to overeat foods that aren’t good for me.  That’s it really.

So now I’m doing something about it.  Still got a long way to go, but that’s fine.  The weight has taken years to go on, so will take a while to come off.  No worries.  Now I’m free to just get on with my life without holding myself back by trying to moderate food that others don’t even give a second through to.   The main thing I can say is that even though the temptation still arises at times, the main thing I feel is freedom.  Mel Gibson eat your heart out.