Two posts in one week. What is the world coming to? Fear not, this won’t be a regular occurrence, after this I may actually have run out of anything to say. At all. (Don’t all cheer at once).
So why another one so soon? Well, one of the most interesting things about the aftermath of that post on Identity was the response and comments I got from people – thanks to you all for getting in touch in different ways. One friend, however, very cunningly (and quickly) spotted that as much as I was saying a lot (I DO waffle on…), there also seemed to be a lot I wasn’t saying. Damn you for being so right!!! You know you are 😉 This person, who shall remain nameless only because I think maybe they would want to be (?), in a matter of an hour or so got me thinking about all the things I wasn’t saying that were still important, and that acknowledging them was the only way to be able to deal with them and move past them. They also encouraged me to do stuff like write down 10 things I like about myself – I must be an arrogant twat because I came up with 30 that night, hahahaha!!! Fear not, I’m not sharing them, otherwise I’d need to move to America and start a really nauseating chat show about ‘Inner Love’ or something, and I’m still far too Scottish for any of that airy-fairy bollocks!! Anyhoo, it did make me realise that there’s a lot about my life I’m pretty happy with, and that actually I’m further along the road to being truly happy with myself than I thought.
However, when it comes to relationships, I guess this is where I get a bit unstuck, and struggle to be truly honest with myself, and anyone else. This whole blog thing, the idea of telling the world what you’re thinking is, well, a bit odd. I know, I’m here writing all this, but I sometimes wonder if it is the right thing to do. It is MASSIVELY self-indulgent, which is not a feeling I’m all that comfortable with. Though on the other hand, in today’s modern world where you see people on-screen more than in real life, where friends are spread far and wide and you can’t always just nip round to their place for a chat, like you could after school, writing this stuff here feels like a viable option. Also, it means that people are totally free to ignore it! I have NO illusions that hundreds of people read this, and actually I’m not sure I’d want them to. I guess knowing that a few close pals will read this means I feel I can be really honest and not afraid to be so. It’s kind of anonymous. Sort of. Well, okay, it isn’t at all, but if I put my hands over my eyes like a big kid, and I can’t see you, you can’t see me/this either. That’s how it works, right? So why is this important, why does it matter than I can use this to say all this stuff? Well, I’m a BIG believer that in order to get through stuff, or move past it, you need to talk about it. It isn’t necessarily about getting answers all the time, but just about not holding in the things that dig away at you and plague your thoughts and can sometimes take over your life, whether you realise it or not. I’m not religious, but isn’t that what confessions are all about? Absolving your sins sort of thing. Well, while I don’t believe in sins as such, I think it can be cathartic to release these stresses and emotions, and often more so when you’re telling someone you don’t know and who won’t try to fix you or placate you, but just let you talk. Talking doesn’t always resolve issues, but it can leave a bit of space in your head to start figuring out what to do, or in which direction you should start moving. So even though I’m ‘talking’ to people I know, who may read this, it feels anonymous enough because there is that time-lapse barrier – I can type stuff and run away and hide at the embarrassment of it all and folk can choose to have a look or not. In life, I’m pretty unflinchingly honest – not to the extent I’ll tell someone they look shit, I care about people’s feelings – but I can’t pretend to like someone I don’t, put up with bullying or intolerance, or not speak up if I think something is wrong. So everything I write here is just as honest. It may seem like it is really easy to type, but actually it feels like suuuuuch an uncomfortable struggle sometimes. The upshot is though, it feels sooooooo much better once it is out there, and it is a good way to let go of it (I’d struggle to even tell you what I’ve written in past posts – I’ve forgotten already!).
So, that’s where it brings me to relationships. Like I’ve said before, I feel like I’m eternally single. I’ve had a few relationships, some very short (a night! Though to be fair I wouldn’t call that a relationship, ha!), some a bit longer, but generally, I mooch about on my own. I’ve been out with a few guys that were a bit arsehole-ish in the end, but to be fair I’ve not been treated horrendously. I’d love to say that my relationships haven’t worked solely because of the blokes, but that wouldn’t be fair. Ultimately, the guys I’ve gone for have NEVER been the right people, and I’ve known that from day 1, but I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise. Why? Well, I guess it is safer to be with someone who isn’t quite right because when it doesn’t work you know why – it wasn’t right. It wasn’t because I’m inherently unloveable. It’s funny, because happily most of my pals are all married/coupled up, some with kids, some without, and I genuinely love to see them in these relationships. I feel happy that they’re being looked after and have someone to love that loves them back. I just never saw myself in that situation. I can’t imagine being one half of a loving couple. It just never feels like this is something I could ever have, or be allowed to have. Part of the problem is I’m fiercely independent, and being on my own has never stopped me doing anything. I’m capable of doing anything I want, and I don’t need a guy there by my side to enable me to do it (well, sex is better with two people, but you know what I mean…). I’ve got so used to do everything on my own, it just feels like that’s the only option, and in a way I’ve forgotten to live as if there are other options. In contrast to that though, I don’t actually want to be on my own. Of course I want someone to share my life with, but I’ve never actually allowed myself to believe I actually deserved someone. Often it feels as though I’m living in a little bubble where there’s just me in it, mooching about and meeting up with all my pals in their own bubbles, except they’ve got lots of people inside with them, but I’m always on my own. I didn’t think I’d get to this point in my life and still be in that bubble, looking out, wondering how the hell I let this happen. The thing is, which seems sooooooo obvious now, but my whole weight issue is at the crux of it. When you’re fat it is easy just to use this as a barrier to push other people away. I don’t let people get close, because then that means they can’t leave. So as much as I’ve HATED being overweight all these years, I’ve not been able to lose it, because at the heart of the matter is the real kicker: what if I lose all the weight and I still can’t find anyone to love me? Then i’m really fucked. I can’t change my personality or who I am (and nor should I, for anyone). It’s easy to get through life knowing I’m single because I’m too fat rather than I’m single because everyone thinks i’m an annoying twat of epic proportions! So as much as I could change the former, I’ve been too scared to do so, because I can’t change the latter.
Years ago when I spent a week in a health retreat in Queensland, Australia called Camp Eden, I met a girl who had previously been really big, but when I met her was really fit and healthy and had lost loads of weight. We talked about our weight issues and I’ve always remembered what she said to me; “I was scared to lose the weight in case everything changed”. I couldn’t believe it! I was scared to lose it in case nothing changed. I couldn’t believe we could be at opposite ends of the spectrum about what this meant to us. It just shows you! The irony is, of course, that by not facing what the real issue is, I’ve stayed fat and stayed single; I’ve effectively chosen for everything to stay the same. Again, it isn’t about how others see me, but how I see myself.
The good news is that much like the sentiment in my last post, I’m ready to leave all that behind me. Let’s face it, if I lose weight and become healthy, then my life will change for the better, whether i’m single or not, and that is what I want. I don’t want to die of a heart attack because I’m too scared to change. You never know what fate holds, but I’d rather give myself the best chance at living a long life. Maybe it’ll still go tits up with the next lovely guy I’ll meet, but I’m open to trying now, and i’ve got nothing to lose, and potentially a lot to gain. I feel so much more chilled about my place in life, who I am and I’m pretty happy with myself. In the last couple of weeks I’ve lost a bit of weight, not by drastically cutting back but because I’m happy, I’m eating food that gives me the energy I need to live the life I want, and i’m not stressing about it anymore. It feels as though yet more weight has been lifted from my shoulders.
So thank-you for indulging me by reading this. I still cringe a bit at the self-indulgence of it all, but I needed to write this for myself. On the plus side, confessing all means I’ve a lot less left to say, so you may be spared more vom-inducing monologues in the future 😉
Love Pea x